Subject: Too much?
Dear Dean,
Sex is an undeniable part of our culture. In fact, I’m proud of the fact that we finally feel comfortable enough to criticize those that selfishly attempt to keep their sex lives a secret. I do, however, have a problem with lunch meetings dedicated to geriatrics getting it on. This is not to say that that they shouldn’t have sex—although I do hear that breaking a hip at that age is pretty much a death sentence—it’s just that I don’t want to hear about it. I know some of you are probably thinking that this complaint is unwarranted. I can simply skip the meeting and avoid the issue. Well, it’s not that simple.
Every day when I come to my lab I am inundated with flyers proclaiming the joy of sex in the twilight years. My eyes can’t help but meet the lustful gazes on those wrinkled old faces. It’s just all too much. My philosophy is that ignorance is bliss. You see, when I go home for the holidays I want to enjoy my grandma’s stuffing, not worry about who’s stuffing Grandma.
I would also like to point out that I understand why a group like geriatrics would use this kind of approach to attract people to its meetings. The idea of old people having sex is novel, like a squirrel waterskiing or a female vice presidential candidate from Alaska with an unwed pregnant daughter. Still, just because it’s interesting doesn’t mean it should be used to promote interest.
I would ask that the geriatrics interest group choose to focus on real issues surrounding old people. For example, why don’t they try to raise awareness about motorized chairs, falling down and being unable to get up, or commemorative civil war plate sets? Now, I’ve never actually spoken with an old person, but the commercials I see during The Price is Right lead me to believe that this would be time better spent elsewhere.
In conclusion, is it too much to ask to live in a world where thinking about Grandpa’s hard candy doesn’t warrant a visit to my therapist? For my sanity and the sanity of other med students who prefer to think fondly of our elders, let’s bring this epidemic to an end.
Sincerely,
Disgusted in Lab D
Entire M1 class missing!!
As of their 2nd week in medical school, only a few scattered M1s have been seen…
Reported sightings:
• Two were spotted holed up in a library study room, drawing the brachial plexus in excessive detail.
• Three were spotted at a local coffee shop, memorizing the origins and insertions of every muscle in the back.
• Five were spotted at a surgery meeting, drawn from the dungeon by the smell of pizza.
• Dr. Salzer comments: “M1s + OME viral protein – rest = stress +/- MSM”
|
New OME policy: “M3s are to be neither seen nor heard”
Taking a page from the prestigious Milford School, the OME has recently instituted a program to reduce the amount of patient contact that M3 students receive, decreasing it from “slim” to “none.” This comes as a response to system-wide complaints that new M3s “don’t really know what the hell they’re doing” on the first day of rotations. Patient feedback has also documented this incompetency. One patient’s survey described her student quite eloquently as “that skittish little thing with the cold hands.”
In accordance with these complaints, the MU2020 key characteristics recently underwent an upgrade. The previous characteristics encouraging students to “communicate with patients,” “improve quality and safety,” and show “honest[y] with high ethical standards” have now been replaced with attributes such as “updating discharge summaries daily,” “fetching coffee,” and “taking verbal abuse like a champ.”
STEP Program Teams Up With Local Law Enforcement
In an unprecedented move, the School of Medicine's Senior Teacher Education Partnership (STEP) Program has teamed up with the Columbia Police Department to make Columbia's streets a little safer. STEP's first event of the year, supposedly an opportunity for area senior citizens to meet their medical student partners, turned out to be a sting operation aimed at confiscating driver's licenses from unqualified elderly drivers. Before the evening was over, a total of 27 senior citizens were deemed "unworthy to be behind the wheel."
Further investigation revealed that the STEP program has recently run into funding issues, and this was a potential temporary fix.
Geriatrics Interest Group president Casey Martinez, who is intimately involved with the STEP Program, had this to say: "We've got no budget
right now, so we approached the Police Department about teaming up.
They were excited about hiring us to run the operation. We were excited about helping them make Columbia a little bit safer."
When STEP participants arrived, they were immediately ushered into a driving simulator that evaluated certain aspects of their driving such as speed, reflex time, sign recognition, and parking. After the simulation, a computer-generated score was issued that determined the future driving fate of each senior citizen.
While some felt that the STEP Program overstepped its boundaries and betrayed elderly trust in setting up the sting operation, STEP Program coordinator Peggy Gray disagreed. "Ultimately, we're just trying to make the world a better place. Sometimes the truth hurts, and the truth is, many of these old folks shouldn't be on the road. Heck, on my way to work today I got cut off by an old hag that clearly should not have been on the road."
Multiple appeals from senior citizens are expected as a result of the license revocations. A police department spokesman responded to inquiries by saying, "When they [senior citizens] come knocking, we'll be ready....of course, they'll have to take the bus to get here! Ha!"
Crist Almighty
As most med students are not aware, at its conception The Bearded Dean was called The AntiCrist in honor of our illustrious Dean William Crist. We here at The Dean would like to thank Dean Crist for his time serving this student body. Some of our fellow students may be asking, “Dean who?” He was the guy standing at the podium when you received your white coats, and he reads your names again upon graduation.
Dr. Crist, the five minutes that you spend with the student body during their careers will not soon be forgotten. What might have already been forgotten is the good you have done raising money for our fine institution. Hundreds of thousands of dollars have been raised for all we call Mizzou 2020. Most of the students no doubt just cringed as this has brought back horrible memories of creating and “updating” their portfolios. Rest assured, Mizzou 2020 will be remembered for far more! The endowment you have raised will no doubt go toward buildings we will never set foot in and flat panel TVs instead of computers that actually work. We hope that you will provide similar experiences for students at The University of Arizona. Dr. Churchill will no doubt perform as a suitable replacement. What the man lacks in subtlety he makes up for in vocabulary; he swears like a sailor.
|
